The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Had like two hours of sleep and got woken up by my dad. Tried to go back to sleep and now I'm wide awake. Fuck me sideways. XD

Finally beat the giant Scorpian but now I'm stuck at the part where you fight the sirens and those fags (woops) that go under ground and throw the double sickles at you. Curse you Chaos mode, curse you! lol

Well today isn't off to a very good start already but I'm going to try and stay optimistic. I'm going to try really really hard to stay optimistic...

Today was interesting to say the least. Borreas (Or however you spell that) on God of War 3 kept kicking my ass. Like seriously 20+ times and not a single victory. Came close about 8 of those times though, got him down to one leg. Meh, I'll try again tomorrow. Chaos difficulty is hell on virtual earth. Anyway, earned a gold star today. Woot. For you VR people who don't know what that means, tough cookies. *sticks out tongue* It's good news anyway. As for the rest of the day? Not much more to say about it other then it was interesting. Nothing really great nor really bad happened. Anyway, I'm off for a shower and a nice glass of milk. Go me. *thumbs up*

Median XL released the new patch recently with 255 new unique items and some new runewords. Seems Diablo 2 is tightening it's grip on me once again and pulling me in by the balls.

Today sucked really bad. Have you ever felt lonely even in a house full of people? Like no one understands or gets you? Like regardless of the fact that you have four other people in the house downstairs, it feels like there is no one for blocks and blocks? I felt like that today. The one person who I feel I can connect with was far to busy for any kind of conversation and then once I did hear from her, things went south fast and she up and left me. Alone. Seems like on the days I could use someone the most is the days I end up being so alone it's sufficating. Went for a walk after she left and not even the cold air outside could bring feeling to my body. Kind of a controdiction because cold numbs but what I'm trying to say is, it didn't even wake me up. My fingers couldn't feel, my ears couldn't hear. It was as if I were the only one left on the entire planet. That feeling sucks. Really bad. That feeling sucks like huge donkey balls. But, you shrug it off and move forward, I suppose, regardless of how penetrating (giggeddy) it is. You make small Family Guy references to try and cheer yourself up and you watch a movie or something. Have a good night, Vr.

Sucks being lonely.

So today was pretty good for the first third of the day. Got all the way to Hermes on God of War 3 Chaos difficutly. Go me. The middle though, wasn't so good. Then the last third got a little better so I can't really complain. I stayed up too late playing Assassins Creed: Brotherhood online. Got to level 14 in just two nights. It was pretty fun. Well, I guess Ima go watch a movie or something because I'm not really tired. Might watch Year One again, that movie was halarious. Night all.

So I'm kinda pissed to be honest. It's been MONTHS since we've heard anything about Final Fantasy XIII Versus! OMG! Wtf? Curse you Square Enix! Why can't you give me info? lol

So just spent 39 minutes fighting Hades on God of War 3 Chaos Difficulty. Needless to say he was a bastard although not nearly as horrible as Posiden was. My bow came in real handy while dodging his attacks and it's basically my main damage dealer until his last fit. Then it was the blade of olympus all the way. Well, back to playing.

Happy Thanksgiving or something along those lines. Finished Brotherhood today and I must say the ending left a lot to be thinking about before the next one comes out only god knows when. As for the online play? Badass although I do find myself getting frustrated that I can't seem to get first place as often as I wanted to. I got first place my first time playing with people level 12 or so and I was only level 1 and I thought "Man, go me!" until the next game and I got fourth. I've only gotten last place once and so meh. I still love that game. Boss. If you've got a ps3 and haven't checked it out. Do it! lol Thank you baby, for trying today. I hope you feel better tomorrow. I love you. As for the rest of you, happy holidays and all that jazz. Time for bed, me thinks.

Yesterday: Long story short? Wasn't 50 totes, it was freaking 96 or so. Moved 41 up there before I called it a day. Little sleep and stairs don't mix well.



Today: Moved the remainder of them up there minus about 22. Rick came by and said we didn't have to move anything that wasn't christmas related. Saved my brother and I a lot of trouble as those were some of the bigger ones that would have required both of us lifting one at a time. Finished up and came home, played Brotherhood and talked to my girl. Had an excellent first part of the day and the end wasn't the best but it's like I told her, sometimes you have to look at things like a football game. If your team loses you can choose to either let your whole day be ruined or you can tack it up as a loss and move on. I tried moving on. Thank you for the first part of the day baby, I love you. Hopefully tomorrow is better. Anyway, overall a pretty decent day. Go me. Now I'm off to find some substanance as I'm hungry as a mofo. Peace.

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DestroyingAngel
08:05 Nov 26 2010

Thats right, dammit lol...

*mumbles with a full mouth* Peace, love and turkey.

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Today was interesting to say the least. I'm not really in the mood to write it all out so you'll likely get a dose of it double time tomorrow. All that really needs to be said about today? My girl made it rock socks. Keep up the good work baby, I love you!

So the tv I was going to get was a used one from my neighbor right? She moved to Alabama or some shit and left it in her apartment and her mom who lives on the other side of me had my brother and me move all her furnature to her basement. She said and I quote "Since your tv went out (have been using a small ass 10 or 12 inch one my brother had) and you helped me move all that stuff I'll just let you have this tv right here *pats tv* and we'll call it even. So I'm like sweet. My arms are kinda sore by this point because we went up and down stairs so many times I lost count and I carried a couch, two tvs, two recliners, a clothes washer, a kitchen table, 6 chairs, two book cases and a bunch of boxes down the stairs to her basement. It's like two flights of stairs down and two back up multiple times. So I'm like "Can I pick it up in the morning?" and she's like "Sure." Well, I go over there today to pick it up and now she doesn't want to give it to me but she wants me to do more work for it. So tomorrow I have to go back down her basement and carry up 50, Yes, I said Fifty, large totes full of chistmas shit that she has collected over the years so she can go through and get rid of everything she doesn't want. She waits to tell me this until after I get the tv to my house and all hooked up to my cable and ps3 and fixed the remote with the codes and what not to make it change channels and so on. Needless to say I'm pissed and if I had a Tv to fall back on I'd tell her to suck it. Other then that today was pretty fucking awesome. Other then her being a cunt like that I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. Baby, you've made so much progress I'm so proud of you. Thank you for everything you've done and are doing. You rock! It means the world to me. You made today which started out shitty into an awesome, amazing, badass day. Thank you! Well, I'm going to go play AC: Brotherhood for a couple hours before crashing so I can get up at 9AM to go move her fucking totes. God I hate neighbors when they screw you over like that. Ugh.

Today could have been bad but turned out friggin sweet. Got a new tv, it's not a flat screen but it's better then the knob turner I was using to play games on. And, I made enough to rent Assassins Creed: Brotherhood. I'm only two missions in but I must say that game is epic so far. I want it! Lol and my girl. God, I love you. Thank you for keeping today from being horrible. I love you.

So apparently someone took me off their journal list. o.o I had 25 yesterday and 24 today. I can only say one thing to that. Who are you people! Lol I only have like a hand full of people I talk to anywhere close to a regular basis on here. Only 4 journals added to my list. I don't even have 25 people on my friends list to be honest. XD Go whoever you are, you sure have hurt me pretty bad. XD

Finished God of War II on God mode today. It wasn't nearly as difficult as I once thought. Died a total of 11 times. Four of which were a result of me rolling off the edge of random objects. Epic win huh? Started God of War III on Chaos mode. One word describes this mode. Hell. It took me a freaking hour to finish the first boss and I died 65 times. Embarassing I know but I tend to charge head on into things when I'm playing as Kratos. Something about those badass blades make me feel invinicible and most of the time I end up paying for it. Meh, I play for the fun, not the statistics. Anyway, it's a bitch. I just got my bow and saved. I need to break from that mode every so often or I'll get frustrated. XD Off to bed now. It's 5 freaking 30 A.M. I should have went to sleep earlier. XD

People amaze me. This guy is apparently looking at my page daily because of "level raising" riiight. Go you. *eye roll*

Today was a fucking great day. One of the best so far. I love you baby. Thank you.

I'll be honest. Tonight... actually the whole day was pretty fucking sweet. Sure, I didn't sleep all that much, had to nap mid day, ate crappyish home made mac and cheese and fell down in the middle of the kitchen with a 2QT pitcher of cold water but who gives a fuck? I spent a lot of time with my girl today. Had some laughs, cheered her up. I miss doing that. I miss small things like that. Cashed in some pink stars (and one gold one) and I'm fairly certain this has been the best day I've had in a while. Certainly in the past two weeks. I hope to whatever god is out there that this trend continues. Each day getting a little better. I'm not expecting perfection because frankly perfection is boring. I'm optimistic. I got a feeling things are looking up. Thank you, baby. Thank you. I love you.

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Bellanova333
06:41 Nov 20 2010

awwwwww I LOVE days like that (:

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DestroyingAngel
23:25 Nov 20 2010

Right on! Im freaking stoked to see that you had such a great day! :P

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My usual steaming hot shower felt extra good this morning. I could feel it washing away the bad things and renewing my optimism. Today should be a good day. I have a really good feeling.

Before anything is taken wrong, the poem was written night before last. I'm just now putting it up though. It's too good to leave unread. Enjoy. With that said, it's time to try and catch some z's.

One day, one day I will rise above my previous self and ascend. One day I will be good enough. Until then, I'll keep trying.

Apparently when you edit a journal the comments go too. So here it is again. I wrote it in a comment and then when I went to edit my entry to fix it the comments went bye bye.



Yes. Yes, You did Hortencia. Many times. Lets do a run down, shall we?



Heavenly Sword

Dead Space

Metal Gear Solid 4

The God of War Collection (God of War 1 & 2)

God of War 3

Little Big Planet

Crisis Core

Final Fantasy XII



Did I miss any?



Oh, lets go into more detail.



ps3

psp

Notebook pc



Plus many other gifts you've sent me. Thank you so much for everything you've given me. I'm so sorry I didn't take take that into consideration with my generalization.

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Anachronism
08:29 Nov 17 2010

I haven't played any of these games :( I need to nerd up.

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*shakes his head*

So my cousin Josh bought a ps3 off of Craigs list a while back and it yellow light of death'd on him. So he was over at my aunts one day about a month ago and my dad was there. My dad and him apparently started talking about game consoles and how his ps3 fucked up on him and some how I was mentioned. At first I was pissy to have my dad mention my having a ps3 because my family on my dad's side tend to be one of two ways. Either they want to come over and "play games with you" when all they really want to do is bring their games over and have you let them play em, or they want to steal what you have and in turn sell it for either drugs (his family loves them some pot) or something of value to them. So I'm not pleased when he calls me and says "You do have a ps3 right? Josh wants to know" and so I start being annoyed but it paid off because he wanted to know because he had like 5 games he didn't need since his ps3 crapped out. Games like NBA something or other and boxing but he had one jewel. Assassins Creed 2. So he sent it home with my dad so I could have it. I played the shit out of that game and got the platinum trophy. I've played it through like 3 times since then so I've probably finished it like 6 or 7 times. Maybe 8. Anyway, he had already preordered the new Assassins Creed: Botherhood game that came out today. So he told me that he was going to try and get his money back (he had bought it on a gift card) and if he couldn't then he'd give it to me too. I was like "Sweet." because I get a game I've wanted at launch for nothing? How often does that happen? EXCEPT WHEN HORTENCIA SENDS ME STUFF. Well emailed me about a week ago and said he got his money back so I wouldn't be getting it. Bummer. But, I read the review and it's super awesome. Check it out.



http://www.psu.com/Assassins-Creed--Brotherhood-Review--a010110-p0.php

Had dreams again last night. Stupid dreams for the most part but they're only dreams after all. They shouldn't matter. Anyway, slept like crap but at least I manged to catch some Z's at least. Watched this show last night on the Samauri. Pretty interesting. Then I watched House. That guy cracks me up. Other then that I channel surfed until I finally dozed off into oblivion. Go me.

Had a really bad day today. It was my fault, I ruined it. Seems I have a nack for that or something. Anyway, I started a God of War 2 game on hard mode. Last couple of times I tried it the collossus creamed me. It was pretty messy like a baby eatting chocolate pudding. This time though I managed to do decently and haven't died to much. Seems playing on hard for God of War 3 made it a little easier. I'm not the kind of person who relishes in completing a game on all difficulties but this is pretty fun, I must admit. Might have to try Very hard mode for God of War 3 and see how I do. I'm going to try and sleep tonight but there's a good change it won't happen. Seems like a day like today usually coinsides with a bout of insomnia. Ugh, anyway it'll be happy times. *eye roll*

One of my favorite parts in God of War II is the part where Prometheus is chained to the stone hand and the giant bird is eatting him? Then when Kratos steps into the picture the bird flys away to perch on the thumb of the hand. Then after a short conversation Prometheus either passes out or dies (I'm more inclinded to believe the second) and then is miraculously healed. The way the veins and muscles and organs reform is a great feat and shows off the graphical power of the ps2 (playing the collection so mine is ps3) and I just think that part right there so early sets the mood as to just how amazing that game will be. It's fucking boss. Back to playing.

Had a pretty shitty morning after a shit load of stupid midly funny dreams and one really not so good one. The rest of the day was okay because of my girl. Tonight wasn't super awesome in the end but it could have been worse. Thanks for listening honey. You've made loads of progress and I'm proud of you for it. My favorite part of the whole day? It's a tie between sitting on the couch with your head in my lap stroking your cheek and playing with your hair. (Get your mind out of the gutter VR) and right when you got off work, the texts we sent before your nap. My favorite parts. I love you baby. XoXo

So Nintendo is apparently trying to trademark the catchphrase "It's on like Donkey Kong." So the only thing I have to say is Wtf? Lol Are they that desperate for cash they have to trademark a sentence? That's insane. It makes me lol.

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Anachronism
02:48 Nov 14 2010

That is ridiculous... and greedy.

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I've had a headache for the past two days. It's not fun. Thinking about going on a picture spree though and just snap whatever I find interesting and maybe a new one for my avatar on here. It's been a slow rainy boring day and it's only going to get worse for the rest of tonight and tomorrow. Apparently this movie I wanted to see, Adventureland came out on HBO a couple weeks ago and so I recorded it last night. I'll probably watch it later and maybe some Dragon Ball Z since it doesn't look like I'll be talking to my girl tonight. I hope you're grandpa gets better baby. I love you. As for Straight talk it seems to be working decently at the moment but how long that'll last is undetermined. I think if they spent a little more time on their towers and a little less time offering bogus solutions for problems they'd have a damn good service for the price. Oh, and random rant right here, my mom has been recording stupid Criminal Minds for the past couple of weeks, she has 7 episodes recorded and she hasn't watched ANY of them. Why do people dvr shit and then fail to watch it? I mean it's not like it's major but it's a little pet peeve of mine. I like to get my shit out of the way. Sometimes, and I say sometimes because it's rare, I'll leave a program on there for nights when I can't sleep? She's had these on there for weeks though and it's annoying to have to scroll down 7 episodes of Criminal Minds just to find the Ancient Alien show I recorded while I was showering. Ugh. Anyway, that's my day so far. Stupid huh?



Edit* removed the word gay and replaced with the word stupid so I don't get any "you're a gaybashing homophobe" messages or comments like the last time I used "gay" just scroll past last months journal you'll see what I'm talking about.

Practice makes perfect.

You know you're "loved" when your own mom assumes you're going to pass on food today. Yeah, my thoughts exactly.. *sighs*

So just got back from my next door neighbors. Had to call Straight talk about my phone card not showing up. Apparently they had no record that I had renewed it yet the card I had used was showing up as activated. Uh, what? lol So they weren't going to put the time on my phone because I was trying to use an "already active card" and what not. I had the recipt from Walmart where I got the card on the 4th of this month when I went with my grandma. That wasn't doing it for them as they said "How do we know it's not a different card?" Uh, really? There's little digits on the recipt that HAVE to match the little digits on the card. If they don't then hey, yeah, don't worry about it, that's Walmarts error. They matched perfectly. So I asked for the superviser, he basically gave me the same run around so after a short shouting exchange on my part (whoops) he agreed I was right and the time was credited to my phone account. Funny how a simple rise in voice volume makes these people finally get what they should have gotten in the first place. So, short version? Phone's fixed after I yelled at the guy. Go me. *thumbs up*

So, called straight talk to enter my card thinger in since it was due the 13th. Apparently someone at straight talk didn't get the memo and so at midnight on the 12th it says "insufficent funds to send or receive messages" since I was texting my girl. Tried calling the customer service number? Rings and rings and rings. No answer. Let it ring for like 5 whole minutes and no answer. Gay. So now I have to wait until tomorrow as I have no land phone and they're apparently closed. Oh, how I despise you straight talk. How I despise you,

Thank you for today my love. It really renewed my hope for a happier future.

Another fucking call of duty game? Really? Another one? Wow. Now I'm all for making sequals but my God, another Call of Duty every fucking year? Jesus. It's all the same thing too, people buy it for the "awesome mind blowing online" but all you really see is a bunch of glitching 9 year olds blowing things up while talking smack in a mic miles away saying things like "Wham! Take dat ya noobz! I be blazin dis trail like cold slice cheese on hot buttered toast bitchez!" and it's like "Wtf?" What does that even mean!? Ahh, I hate little kids playing games like that expecting you to play their way and talk their language. Then you get this "I raped dose bitchez Teabag FTW!" I think teabagging online is funny to some extent but when you do it after every kill? Really? Oh, and don't get me started on spawn glitches and what not. I made the mistake of renting Call of Duty 4 one time and after playing online with the retards on there? Never again because once you see they're spawn glitching and you get out of it? They run away and leave the game. Why are games like this so popular? Is it because every 9 year old has all their recess friends get it too so they can all talk about how they've had more pussy then duce bigalo or how crossing the old smoked sausage is not gay at all as long as it's among friends? It's like MY GOD play the game or GTFO! Ugh. I hate call of duty games but I know 60 percent of the rest of the world disagress. I prefer single player games anyway so blah.

Well... no rest for the wicked they always say. Or something to that effect anyway. At least I wrote like 4 new poems though. Go me. *thumbs up.*

Hopefully today is the first step of the rest of forever. I'm counting on you baby.

Four weeks ago I was very confident about my appearance. I felt like I was king of the world. Nothing could beat me. I was on top of everything. I was on cloud nine. Today? Today I'm ashamed. Today I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel. Today I feel like nothing about me matters and today I feel like I'm nothing. Four weeks ago I had more confidence in myself then I have hair on my head and skin on my bones. Four weeks ago I could have sat here and told you how awesome I was. Four weeks ago I could have sung out loud in front of anyone regardless of the fact that I haven't sung out loud in front of people in years. Today I feel like I'm no one. Today I feel like everything about me is a failure. Today I feel like I've been lying to myself all along about how cool and bad ass I am. I think I have been. I think I've been lying to myself like that. Sometimes you just have to face the music. Ugly dudes like me don't deserve happiness. Ugly guys like me deserve the bag of shame with a little sackboy drawn in for laughs. Guys like me end up sad and depressed. Guys like me wish they could erase their whole body and start over like you can on Little Big Planet if you decide the lion costume was so yesterday. It hurts and it sucks when the person you care about more then anything tells you that. I'll probably get in trouble for writing this but my chest hurts so bad I have to get it out. It's worth getting yelled at because I'm scared of the pain. I'm terrified of it. I feel like my chest will explode and I haven't felt this way in years. Not this bad. Never this bad. I've never had tears in my eyes from sheer disguest with the way I look. Change things you say? Four weeks ago I didn't think I had to. Four weeks ago I thought I was pretty handsome. Four weeks ago I thought at the very least I was a little better then average but today I feel like I'm the kid at school everyone picks on because his nose is too long or his eyes are too far apart. I haven't felt this way in over four years. FOUR YEARS! My god, I forgot what it feels like to cry this hard, to hate myself, to wish I would disolve so you could be happy with a pretty boy. I'm miserable and depressed. I'm pathetic huh? Crying over the fucking keyboard. I hate how I feel right now. I hate it because I'd never put you through it. I'd never make you feel like this. Not even on my worst day of my worst month of my worst year. I couldn't make you feel this way if I hated you that's how bad I feel right now. I can never hate you though. I feel nothing but love for you. And I feel sorry for you that you have to sit here and look at me. I feel sorry that I ever send you the horrible pictures of my horrible face. I'm sorry I'm not handsome enough. I'm sorry I'm not gorgeous. I'm sorry I'm not movie star material. I guess I'm just sorry for everything. So fucking sorry...

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Anachronism
09:30 Nov 10 2010

You have to love yourself before someone else will. Just work on you!!



It might sound cliche, but you don't need someone in your life to be happy.

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Looks are more important then what's inside? Why is that so wrong to me? To me what matters is what kind of person you are. To me it's all about the bells and whistles inside. To me if you're an awesome friend and an amazing person then you're far better then some bikini model or boxer model. To me if you can crack a joke or laugh at mine, make me smile and help me by listening to my problems, you're a o-fucking-k in my book. Why can't the whole world think like me?



~Disclaimer- No names were used as this is a general thought. No intentions were made, insinuendos were unintentional and all likeness' alive or dead to any person were accidental. No animals were harmed in the making of his journal and all stunts were proformed by or under the supervission of professionals. Please don't try this at home. Viewer discression is advised.~

I'm probably going to be redoing my avatar. That display picture just isn't cutting it. I'll try and find another one over the next couple of days. We'll see how that goes...

Part of me wants to delete that last entry but the part that knows it's true won't let me. Sometimes having a concious blows.

It's looking like a good time to go on a poetry binge. *thumbs up*

So I'm going to rant a bit on here. Some people may like it, some people may not, the majority won't care but that's my business. Here we go.



My dad gave my aunt Robyn the cell number and that's all fine and good. As annoying as she is, who am I to say who he can give it to and who he can't. Right? Right. No problems there. So everything is fine and good up until yesterday. Yesterday morning at like 4AM I'm sound asleep. It's the first good sleep I've had in like two weeks and so I'm loving it. So I'm snoozing away and I wake up to the tick tick tick of a text message. (Phone stays in my room since I use it most.) so tick tick tick and I wake up. Open the phone and who is it? Her, and what does she want? To send me a mass forwarding text about God. Saying how if I don't send it to 10 people God will apparently hate me (he doesn't already? o.o) and that not sending it will prove I love the devil. (I do? o.O) and so I just close the phone and ignore it. No problem, she isn't around much to know I don't believe in that stuff so maybe by not responding she'll get the memo. No, 20 minutes later tick tick tick and it's another copy of the same text. Now I'm getting annoyed so I turn the phone on vibrate and just go back to sleep. I wake up later that day to another 3 copies of this text. Now either she really loves God and she wants everyone on her contact list to know it or she's just really bored. Today she sends a similar text a total of 6 times and for here the rant begins.



Who the hell does that? Who sends the same text over and over? I'm very open to technical issues. My phone has sent texts multiple times before but my dad calls her today she she's like "Why didn't you answer my texts? I sent them like 7 times" (Really? I hadn't noticed...) and so it's not a techincal glitch. It's just her being annoying. She used to do that way back when I used to use my old email account. She'd send these "inspiritaional" emails to "brighten and enhance" ones "spiritual day" and so on. It's just plain annoying. I finally had to move emails to get her to leave me alone. Same with Facebook, twitter, and myspace. She has to have everyone's twitter, myspace and facebook. I don't do twitter, myspace or facebook but she's tried countless times to entice me into getting one or all. Saying how they'll help "the family stay together" and "stay connected" and "updated on the road" (anyone else see the trend? Those statements seem oddly close to the actual commercials) and so I just finally groan outloud when she asks about that and change the subject. So I've asked her not to send these texts because I dont' believe in her God. I don't care if she does, I don't mind if she does and I couldn't care less what she or anyone else believes. I believe what I believe and so that's all I need. Anyone elses' beliefs are their own and not mine. Now, if she listens or not is another story. \rant.

B.O.R.E.D...



Off my fucking ass.

I was pleasantly suprised. :)

I had high hopes for today. Really high hopes. To be honest, part of me still does. I have a good feeling though that no one will swallow anything today, and that means admiting they were wrong. So that means the hope is in vain but I'll keep an open mind and stay as hopeful as I can. Yeah, that looks really awesome on the screen here. Lets hope I can actually do that. *crosses his fingers*

So I've noticed that I can do pretty much any fight with Teen Gohan. Team battles? No problem. Survival battles? Peice of cake. Arcade? Super Sayian Veggeto was the only one to give me problems and he only killed me twice. Funny isn't it? That teen Gohan is your favorite character? Guess who my second best character is? Yep, Trunks. Followed by Piccolo. I think about you even when I'm pissed. I love you that much.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I've come to a conclusion. I love Hortencia. I really love her. The way I see it you can't pick who you fall in love with and I'm completely head over heels insanely in love with her. Yeah, it hurt me and pissed me off when she insulted my family but when you love someone you learn to forgive but never forget. I really highly doubt she's sorry about it to be honest and there's really no point in sitting here hoping she sees that to insult ones family like she did is to insult that person. I adore her, I really do. I would lay down my life in an instant. I would bleed for this girl. Die for this girl. I would kill for this girl. She's got it all with me. I care about her, I listen to her problems and I try and come up with really good solutions that benifit her the most, I'm always there when she needs to talk and I love her unconditionally. I don't care if she's 100 pounds or 1000 pounds, I don't care if she's got huge boobs or small ones, I don't care if she's tall or short, I just love her. I love the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way her eyes light up when she's excited, I love how her hair gets in her face and I love it when after I tuck it behind her ear, she smiles so big. I love how she says my name and the way I can see everything I could ever ask for in life the moment I look into her eyes. I'm insanely in love with her. I've never felt this way about anyone and I don't think I ever will. It's not the kind of love where you just want to have the person in your life it's the kind where that person IS your life. I breathe for her and I'd do whatever I could to see her smile. I've stuck penicls in my nose and barked like a seal, made countless jokes about how things are in the world, my life, hers, the way the people at her job are all retarted. I really miss the way she usually is. She's usually the best kind of person. She's usually so kind, so thoughtful and so amazing. Lately though she's been a little weird but we all have our moments and I should just accept it and move on. I wonder if she misses me as much as I miss her. I wonder if she's thinking of me as much as I am of her and I wonder if she wishes she hadn't said what she did that put this distance between us like it did. I wish she hadn't but she did and there's no taking it back. I hope she's sorry but if she's not then we'll just have to move past it because I don't want to live my life without her in it. Without her hand in mine. Without my ring on her finger. To me? That's what true love is.

Just got back from going out to walmart for the 3rd time. First I went with my mom and we get finished and she realizes she forgot her wallet with all her money in it at home. So, I have to go back home and get it and then come back. So that's two. Then, right after I get back I get a phone call from my grandma and she asked if I'd go to the store with her because apparently she sprained her ankle and is on crutches and she's been calling since 8 Am (It was 6 PM) trying to find someone to go with her and no one would. The fuck? What is wrong with my dad's stupid family? So I had to go back again but that time I wasn't too annoyed because she's never asked me for anything and it's the least I could do. My head feels like it's going to burst, I'm hungry, I'm annoyed, I'm light headed a bit and I'm frustrated in a certain way. It's been one hell of a day and to top it all off, Brandon wants the game back in two days because he's leaving for North Carolina (can't be fussed with spelling it right) and he wants to take it with him so he can play it with his cousin Zach. Ugh. Anyway, I'm going to go eat something and maybe take some advil. I miss you baby. I hope you're doing okay. I love you. *blows her a kiss*

Last night I borrowed Dragon Ball Z Raging Blast from my brothers friend Larrys cousin Brandon. He has a ps3 that he recently got and he's been playing Rock Band on it a lot lately so he said I could borrow it for a couple days. Anyway, the reviews said the controls suck but I found they're pretty solid. That just goes to show you can't believe everything you read on the reviews. I'm pretty decent with Piccolo so far as he's been my main character versus computer A.I. Piccolo ftw! Just thought I'd share that. This game has really helped with my anger from night before last. I'm really trying.

It was a long night. I stayed out walking after I left until my legs were numb and I was too cold to move. I was so furious last night I didn't grab my hoodie or a jacket so I'll probably end up sick but I really don't care right now. Finally came back in a little after 4 Am. I sat down on the sofa and that's all I remember until 2PM today when the hillbilly son knocked on my door to ask if his parents had left a note for him because apparently they told him they'd leave notes with my mom when they leave. No note but meh, I needed to get up anyway. It's hard to put into words what I felt last night and since I can't talk to the person I would usually talk to about this I'll have to put it here. I felt attacked to say the least. Hurt and angry. I think it's ironic that not a week after I told her it takes a lot to make me mad at her she goes and pulls it off. Seemingly on puprose as well. My head hurt from the veins pulsing and my hands hurt from clenching them and unclenching them so much as I walked. I needed to just walk away for a bit and clear my head. So many things were going through it you have no idea. I wanted to say mean and nasty things back. I wanted to cause the same hurt I was feeling, the same anger. I knew that wasn't right though. It's never good to make people hurt on purpose. It's never good to cause pain to the ones you love so I decided to take the high road. Yeah, she'll probably hold it against me. She'll probably rant and rave much like she did last night in a anger induced episode but to be honest I did the right thing by walking away. I could have done a lot of damage. I'm shaking now as I write this because some of the stored up anger is comming back. I haven't been this pissed in a long ass time. So long even that I don't really remember what caused me to be that pissed just that I remember this rage. It would have been so easy to just flip out and say the same type of things she was saying. To go even further then that and take it to a whole new level. I can't hurt her though. I can't. It hurts me to even think about it so I felt pain as well last night. I expected more out of her to be honest but then again I always end up expecting the best out of her lately since my change and I guess maybe I shouldn't. Maybe instead I should just take what I get and work with it but then again she spent so many months telling me not to expect her to be a mean, nasty, horrible person like I used to. And once I stopped that it's like that's when she wants to be like that the most. She's been completely impossible to get along with these last few weeks. It's hard because I just want my partner back but instead I get this vengeful, arrogant self centered person who wants nothing more then to cause me anger and pain. It's fucking sad is what it is. It's pathetic that even now I some how feel it's my fault. That I some how caused her to verbally attack my fucking family like she did. My parents are a lot of things but she went to far. I could have taken it so much further if I had told her what I truely felt about those people on her side. Then again I go back and forth because I can't cause her pain and that's what would have happened. Then I felt pain for wanting to say mean things which in turn made me feel guilty about wanting to and see? It never ends, this circle!



I love this girl so much. So much I would walk barefoot on the sun just to see her smile. I'd cry and beg until my eyes bled if that meant she'd be happy. I'd do that and so much more. She has no fucking idea how much I care about her, no idea of the love I have for her, no idea about what I feel that it's fucking pathetic. She doesn't take the time to see what she has. She only takes the time to enjoy it for a moment inbetween her anger induced rants. She's a damned good person. She's an awesome wife and she's a fucking amazing friend. When she chooses to be that is. She can fuck you over so easilly though it's like a hot knife through butter. It's effortless for her to say something to just fuck with me. I adore her though. Some people might say I'm just asking for trouble then and they may be right but I know the real her. I know what she's like when she lets her guard down and that is the girl I'm in love with. Not this girl who pretends to be so rough and hardcore. Not this girl who lashses out whever she's bored. Not the girl who would rather see me bleed then smile. That's not who you are! I know you. I know how you are. I know you're the girl who did whatever she could to make me smile when Ryan told me she was cheating the whole time right before I broke up with her. You're the girl who makes sure I go to sleep when I'm sick and the one who makes sure I take my meds when the doctor gives them to me. You're the caring girl who listens to my problems when I'm having shit with my life and the girl who makes me laugh when inside I want to cry. The girl who wants nothing more then to snuggle up on the sofa and smile at me. The girl who leaves me snacks on the desk when I'm asleep and the one who never ceases to amaze me with her small little acts like writting my name in the sand and then taking a picture to show me she misses me. I know that girl is still there. I know she is. She was right in front of me for months on end and then she goes on vacation and I miss her so bad I cry sometimes when I sleep. She's everything to me. She's my life and I want that girl to come back. I'm going to be frank here and she'll probably get mad when she reads this or she'll take it the wrong way and break up with me but it needs to be said and I'll explain what I mean so hopefully she'll take the hint and not the challenge. You're killing me baby. Slowly but surely I'm dying inside. You're striking blow after blow and my armor can only hold on so long. The more you throw daggers the more chipped and broken it becomes and sooner or later you're going to strike my heart and I'll die. Your words are like molten lava pouring over my soul scalding away everything that holds me together. Don't kill me, Hortencia. Love me. Just love me like I love you.

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DestroyingAngel
08:59 Nov 04 2010

Love is the hardest thing isn't it? That feeling of not being able to be still when your emotions are just constantly going, especially after you feel attacked. I've been known to run outside in the cold rain just screaming....crying....anything to get out what's inside when it came to somebody I loved.

You obviously LOVE this girl to her very core. Remember that Peace and love go together better than Love and chaos though.

*hugs* WEAR A DAMN HOODIE, MAN!!!

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What do you know? I was right. It didn't get easier any sooner. Lets hope I'm wrong tomorrow. *sighs and shakes his head*

So I didn't sleep at all last night. Disapointment and annoyance does that to you. And worry about what's to come because if I were a betting man I'd put my house on the line to say it's not going to get easier very soon. No, I just stayed up staring at the ceiling and what not. No tiles to count, just a plain smooth surface almost like a canvas. I could see my future played out on that ceiling canvas. Painted with sharp dark lines for the certain things and slightly lighter for the wants and dreams I have for my life ahead. It's almost poetic actually and for some odd reason I felt compelled to write a poem about it. I didn't though, for a topic of such nature is so cliche, it's hardly passable any longer. But it was a pretty picture never the less. Intense. So vivid. I really doubt it's been this vivid in a while. No, I don't know what I'll end up doing as a profession but I do know I'll have a family. Fitting in a way and maddening (as in crazy mad not angery mad) in the sense that even when I'm supposed to be annoyed and what not with her I still see her as the girl I marry. It's sad in a way that I can sit here and think about her so often and picture our future together so clearly yet when it comes down to it I can't make her see what she does when things like last night happen. It's sad and tragic and just completely stupid. It shouldn't have happened but it seems as if the human race is always pondering that which shouldn't have happened yet they fall into the same path countless times before they realize it's deja vu and that they've done it all again before. Hopefully I'll be able to show her that. Some how. Some way. Hopefully she'll get it. And if not? Oh well cause I'll Never Stop

I can't get to sleep tonight

No matter how hard I try

Cause it's cold and it's dark

And the moon can't light the way



~Jack Black, Tenacious D~

I've had the same AP account for 3 years and today I spelled it wrong for the first time and the second time and so on. Apparently I've been spelling it wrong all day. I was so sure I was spelling it right. Like 99% sure and it ended up being pretty far off. Had to have AP send me a reminder because I thought I was misspelling the password. Ugh, you can tell it's a Monday XD

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DestroyingAngel
05:39 Nov 02 2010

lol.....If you only knew of the blunders I've pulled.

Everyday is a monday when you are a blonde too, btw lmao. *looks around nervously*

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JustinDupree
06:31 Nov 02 2010

Its like I woke up and without even thinking about the day felt like "Ah, it's monday" lol

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